Law-abiding folks—we used to think of ourselves as members of that sainted group. But after a little legal digging, it's become painfully clear that we're not quite the goodie-two-shoes we once thought we were. Because, depending on your geographic location in the state of Georgia, you may very well be, unbeknownst to you, breaking a law or three. Or so we hear. And if you've the propensity for "vulgar vituperation" that we do? Might as well turn yourself in.
Whistling Too Loudly
Whistling too loudly and after 11:00 p.m. Sunday through Monday in Athens? Forget about it. We're not suggesting they've outlawed cheerfulness, but it's certainly implied with this law, which prohibits "human-produced sounds," including whistling, within 300 feet of a building on the weeknights.
Using a Slingshot... from Alabama
"Using a slingshot? Why, that's a terrible idea. And if it's one from Alabama? Even worse. To be safe, let's just ban both." How we imagine the committee in Athens came up with this law, which states "no person shall use for amusement or otherwise any Alabama slingshot or any slingshot or similar thing in the urban service district."
Tying a Giraffe to a Telephone Pole
There's nothing that says you can't have a giraffe within Atlanta's city limits, per se. But you'd better be responsible, and that means (of course) that you shall never tie one to a telephone pole or street lamp. We have had a hard time confirming this law, but, then again, we haven't seen many giraffes tied to telephone poles, so...
Participating in a "Ladies' Night"
No savings for all the single ladies. Namely, those in Columbus. Sure, the can enter the bar, but ladies (or men, for that matter) can not receive a discount of any sort, according to this law. Should really fix that problem of too many ladies at the bar, eh gentlemen? (Also see: no two-for-one specials and no Happy Hours after 9 p.m., which are also covered in this no-fun code.)
Eating Fried Chicken with Your Hands
If you're in Gainesville, and you've got a hankerin' for some poultry–well, we'll just say this: you'd better eat it with your hands, since eating fried chicken with a fork has been "illegal" in the city since 1961. No need for putting on those fancy-schmancy airs here, fellas.
Getting a Tattoo on a Sunday
Columbus, GA has nothing against the art of tattooing, we assume. But they simply will not stand by and allow the conduct of this business to occur on a Sunday. And that includes every part of the body, according to this local law.
Proper Adult Bookstore Flooring
Hear ye, hear ye: the flooring of any Roswell adult bookstore or video store shall at all times, be "light colored, nonabsorbent, smooth textured and easily cleaned," according to this law. Seems pretty reasonable, actually.
"It shall be unlawful for any person in the operation of any telephone installed within the city, to make use of any vulgar vituperation..." That stands for profane language, of any sort. Which means, naturally, that all citizens of Columbus are forbade from cussing into and over the telephone, according to their municipal code. I'm SURE this one's never been broken.
Guilty. Guilty. Aaaaaaaaand guilty. Where else, we ask, were we supposed to put Gill the Giraffe?