Global warming, presidential elections, the economy … there are a lot of pressing issues out there in the world today. But sometimes you need a condom company to step up to the plate and deliver an investigation of the issues that really don't matter: how San Franciscans heat up the bedroom and how we measure up to our competitors, uh, fellow American cities. And the results of this highly scientific Trojan sex survey may surprise you.

Let's start with the bad news. In the 10 markets surveyed, Bay Area residents have the least amount of sex (120 times a year) and shortest sessions in the sack (31 minutes). What gives? Compare that to mighty Miami, whose residents had the most sex (177 times a year), and you may end up wondering where those missing 57 sexytime sessions have gotten to. In other puzzling news, Midwesterners have self-reported the most sexual adventurousness, with 60 percent saying the are thrill-seekers in bed. Just hold it right there, Midwest: you may think sex on the couch is pretty crazy, but we in SF have a different standard. Anything less that being tied up in an S&M dungeon pretty much counts as business as usual, mmkay?

Residents of Dallas report having the longest sack sessions (39 minutes), yet they are most likely to have faked an orgasm (47 percent). Hmmmm. No intel on the quality of these marathons. On the flip side, which SF residents have the shortest sessions, they are least likely to fake on orgasm (31 percent) and highest in sexual satisfaction (65 percent). Take notice, Dallas: it's not how long you're doin' it, it's how much you like it.

All told, we're a little bit disappointed but happy overall with our performance. And while we're totally suspicious of the survey's methodology and findings, we're gonna go ahead and challenge our Scouts to bang out a win in all of these categories on the next go-round. Ready, set, go!